Control Groups

LSD is funny. Viagra is funny AND awkward.

Cow Catchers Creeping up on the Conning Towers

Oh dear, I'm bored. I better go and have a bath, I suppose.

Vatican Rag

All of this news about Catholics has put me in the mood for a little music. So, without further ado, here's a little Tom Lehrer!

Papal Partner Proclaims: UK is Third World

I do so love it when those crazy Catholics open their mouths and firmly place their foot in it. Cardinal Walter Kasper did exactly that after he made a comment about how arriving at Heathrow Airport was something akin to landing in a Third World country. Apparently the Cardinal's remark was a reference the UK's multicultural society. Hmm, multicultural society, huh? Sounds a bit like you're saying that you don't like places with people that have different shades of skin color, if you ask me(ohh noes, brown people!!).

Naturally, the Catholic church was quick to distance themselves from the Cardinal after he put foot to mouth. A spokesman spouted the standard PR line: "His comments do not represent the views of the Vatican, nor those of Bishops in this country. They are the personal views of one individual". Which, most likely means that while they share his beliefs, they aren't stupid enough to make such a Public Relations blunder by saying it aloud.

As if the first comment wasn't bad enough, the Cardinal went on to criticize British Airways by saying that if you wear a cross on the airline "you are discriminated against". Right, you're part of one of the most powerful organizations in the world. An organization that is so powerful that it can molest children all over the world with impunity. But yet, somehow, you're being discriminated against? Hold on, I've got this really tiny violin to play for your troubles.

It is true that British Airways had previously prohibited the wearing of symbols of faith, but has since changed their dress code to allow it. They did this back in 2007 at that. But even if they hadn't, this only covers EMPLOYEES of British Airways. This, of course, doesn't stop him from throwing out the Christian Victim card(they really never get tired of being the victim).

The Cardinal went on to babble something about the UK's strong Christian tradition in between periods of foot to mouth interaction. Christian Tradition? What, like burning people at the stake, holy wars between Protestants and Catholics that claim thousands of lives, and the torture and murder of heretics? Yep, those were some good times alright. Nothing quite like the good old days.

Now after all of this, the Cardinal has canceled his trip with the Pope on account of being ill. Some would question whether or not the good Cardinal is actually ill or just dodging the bad press from his commments. I for one, do not. He obviously got sick after eating some food prepared by heathens! You know how those dirty heathens are always out to get good god fearing folk, like the good Cardinal. It could also be that some of those "aggressive atheists" used their atheist magic to cast a curse on him! Those crafty atheists are always using their scientific witchcraft against god's followers.

Immaculate Ice Cream and Pregnant Nuns

A saucy new ad in the UK has all of the Catholics with their panties in a bunch. Who knew that pregnant nuns were a hot button for them? Or maybe they just don't like women eating ice cream. Either way, there's quite some uproar over this little amusing picture. The ad was pulled because the Advertising Standards Authority thought it wasn't fair to mock the beliefs of the Roman Catholics. But Antonio Federici, the blasphemer who would dare show a woman eating ice cream(god reserved that for men, like all the good things), plans to post more ads that are a "a continuation of the theme". Can you imagine the gall of it all?! Posting ads that don't hurt anyone and that are being paid for by the company! How dare they do such a thing! It's just outrageous that they don't spend every last dime kowtowing to religious sensibilities.

The UK based company wanted to "comment on and question, using satire and gentle humour, the relevance and hypocrisy of religion and the attitudes of the church to social issues". Boy, in America those would be fightin' words! But Antonio is undeterred by the banning, which isn't his first at that. The company plans to put up more ads with a similar theme, along and around the Pope's route around Westminster Cathedral.

Personally, I look forward to more ads by Antonio Federici and all the bunched Catholic underpants that it will result in. But if I were him, I would be seriously glad that the church can't burn people at the stake anymore. Because you know they'd break out the kindling if they could get away with it.

Don't Worry, Mike Can Help Us!

Scariest. Cosplay. EVER. Damn, do I ever love MST3K. Nobody can cross-dress quite a horrifyingly and hilariously as Mike Nelson.

Metal Pr0n Solid 2

Sure, it's an old video, but still hilarious none the less. I was reminded of this gem whilst doing a little surfing on the ol' internets. I found another video game themed music video and couldn't help but think of some Metal Pr0n.

Another Failed Forecast of the Faithful

It seems that Jesus is always set to return to Earth, on yet another terrestrial vacation, but his plans never seem to come to fruition. Maybe the big J is just a bit of a procrastinator when it comes to starting off the end times. It could also be that, maybe, he doesn't want to be associated with that atrocious and asinine Left Behind series. It might more likely be, very possibly, that Jesus doesn't exist at all and never did. Whatever the reasons, there's no end to failed foretellings of the faithful. But this doesn't seem to bother believers one bit. The date is always at hand, but constantly out of reach(much like the credibility of Intelligent Design).

The failure of past prophecies doesn't seem to deter those potential prophets from setting their own date for the end of days. One of the latest dates for doomsday is May 21, 2011(not to be confused with the pagan doomsday of December 21, 2012), set by those scripturally sage souls at Wecanknow.com. They claim that Noah knew, so they too can know. This claim is a tad bit strange to me, considering that the evidence for the Biblical story of the flood is completely nonexistent. But, how could these sage scholars of the sacred, possibly be wrong, after all, they have the Bible on their side!

Christianity has been preparing for the end of the world, since the very founding of the religion. History is rife with examples of supposed dates for the end of time. As each date passes, Christendom's enthusiasm for Armageddon continues unabated(the utterly horrifying spectacle that it is). Their scholars resume their all consuming work, trying to predict Jesus' next earthly shindig(I so hope they have pizza rolls, those things are delicious). As the torch passes from one believer to the next, the centuries roll by, like the fleeting thoughts of a once sane mind. Meanwhile, the rest of humanity goes on trying to figure out this whole, building a better future and not killing each other jazz. Mostly.

I sometimes find myself wondering, what I would do if Jesus came back(but mostly I'm just thinking of Samantha Carter in assless chaps, hot cha!). I suppose my first thought would be to think of Samantha Carter, after all, fictional characters are popping into existence; it's worth a shot. Then, after that, I'd probably try to make the J-man disappear in a puff of logic à la The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. This would probably be followed by a hasty emigration to Sweden before Pat Robertson could call for my assassination(he does that, you know). There would be much rejoicing and pizza rolls, delicious, delicious pizza rolls.

When this latest date for doomsday comes and passes, I will probably be doing what I usually do; dreaming of my favorite fictional Gate hopping astrophysicist(ohh Sam, how I love you, let me count the ways...). Well, that, or continuing my efforts to build the world's largest Elvis statue out of pop cans(hey, someone's gotta show Touchdown Jesus who's boss).

Lavish Your Local Leprechauns

I discovered this little gem whilst browsing Geekologie(a wonderful little place for geeky goodness). At first, I thought, this can't possibly be real. It has to be satire, right? Nobody could possibly be this devoid of mental faculties! Ohh, wouldn't that be nice, but sadly no satire here. After a quick look at their website, I found their about page. Here's a bit of what it had to say.

"Christopher Valentine and Christian von Lähr are professionally trained psychic mediums. Bringing their own additional special skills onboard they have been able to establish direct communication with the Nature People."

I sincerely worry for the sanity of people that are this far into La-la land. This guy seems to know more about the personal habits of non-existent beings, than most people know about their own family! I don't know about anyone else, but frankly, that's more than a little disturbing. It's nothing really new I suppose, but disturbing none the less.

As we leave the first decade of the 21st century, there seems to be an unsettling rise in magical mentality. Crystal power, pyramid hats, angels, nature spirits, and psychics all seem to be more popular than ever. Every day there appears to be more new-age nonsense. Be it books like The Secret and The Power, which tell you that you can get whatever you want by simply pretending that you already have it(also, be nice to your water!), or the prattling of lighthearted loonies.

This kind of thing is the converse to religious fundamentalism. Fundamentalism generally adheres to some core concepts with a feverish and dogmatic zeal. Whereas the new age appears, on the surface to be much more benign. It has no qualms over picking and borrowing from other religions or even making up completely new nonsense. The overall effect is diluted delusional absurdity. If the angels don't heal your cancer, you can always try crystal power, or maybe call on another invisible friend, who may, eventually help you. But whatever you do, don't go to a hospital! Because science doesn't believe in our nature spirit friends, crystal power, pyramid healing, psychic energy, lay lines, or anything else that's supernatural! They're too closed minded to believe in all of those unsubstantiated claims. I mean it's not like science ever did anything for anyone...

Although it may seem benign, this new age nonsense is just as dangerous as any of the claims made by established religions. Praying to your deity is no different than calling to your nature spirit friends. The end result is the same, nothing happens. How many people forego routine medical treatment because of this kind of hogwash? Taking a session with the Archangel Gabriel or some Tarot cards in lieu of seeking medical attention or taking action in their lives.

There was a great man who once said something that I will always remember. Carl Sagan once said, "For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring". Whether it is religion or some other supernatural mumbo jumbo, it's still a delusion. In our modern world, we are better served by grasping the universe as it truly is, than holding onto superstition and magical thinking. After all, the fate of our whole species is squarely in our hands.

Conservapedia: A Cache of Comedic Genius

Conservapedia, for those of you who don't know, is a wiki dedicated to eliminating the liberal bias from reality. After finding that Wikipedia had a vendetta against Christianity, Andrew Schlafly and some students founded Conservapedia. Here, they could have a place to spout nonsense at one another, free from those nasty things called facts. Truly, it is a place that is totally free of any inkling of reality. I find that after any extended time reading articles there, I have the overwhelming urge to click my heels together and chant “There's no place like home”. Well, except, you know I wouldn't be going back to Kansas. I shudder at such a thought.

The articles, despite their apparent vapidness and being utterly out of touch with reality, are overwhelmingly hilarious. Sure you can go to places like Wikipedia if you want things like facts, figures, and a rational worldview. But, if you want offensive nonsense, that would only appeal to a partially lobotomized chimp, then Conservapedia is the place for you! After all, where else are you going to find serious commentary on AIDS, that refers to it as a “gay disease” and “gay cancer”? That is just to the tip of the proverbial iceberg as far as inane rantings go. Their pages on Feminism, AIDS(a so called gay disease), Biblical Scientific Foreknowledge, and Liberal Denial are enough to make anyone with an IQ over that of your average ham sandwich, burst into furious fits of laughter.

It's hard for me to imagine anyone taking this kind of tripe seriously. Though, I am at a disadvantage, seeing as I haven't suffered any crippling head injuries or been wont to eat lead paint chips(delicious leaded candy, that neurotoxic family friendly treat). I do fear for anyone that does take absurdity like this as truth. If one were to give a wiki such as this, even one iota of credulity, I do believe they would be raving mad within a week.

Making fun of the intellectually impotent aside, this kind of thing is incredibly serious. Mankind has made some tremendous strides in past centuries. With the rise of reason and science, we have seen untold progress. Anton van Leeuwenhoek's microscope gave our first glimpses of the basic units of life. Galileo's telescope would give us the moons of Jupiter. Newton's theory of gravitation would eventually give us the moon landing, satellites, and exploration of the planets. These discoveries were more than just simple bits of knowledge gathered for scientists to play with. Our entire modern world is built on these things. Without the theory of Gravitation, we wouldn't have satellites in orbit(i.e. No GPS). Without the microscope, we probably wouldn't have germ theory, and we would still be at the mercy of pathogenic microbes(before there was Germ theory, disease was believed to be caused by demonic possessions).

There is very little in our modern world that isn't built off of the advances of some scientific endeavor. The CPU for your average computer wouldn't even exist without the understanding quantum mechanics(the transistors at the heart of modern electronics require quantum theory to function). Global positioning systems wouldn't function without the Theory of Relativity. So much of what we consider the modern world hinges on the work of so many dedicated researchers and scientists. Brave men and women who have pursued the course of truth, even when it flew in the face of their personal convictions. Be it Einstein's belief that the universe was static, which was totally decimated with Hubble's observations that the universe was, in fact, expanding. Or be it Darwin's own grappling with faith as he realized that a creator wasn't needed for life to diversify.

Yet as ignorance of science and technology grows, charlatans would bring forth their own addled brained rantings and label it as “truth”. They peddle this nonsense on any forum that will give them even the slightest bit of attention. They claim that their ravings deserve the same time and recognition, as the work of hundreds and thousands of scientists over the centuries. But they cry foul when asked that they be held to the standards of science and reason. They decry and defame anyone who would speak ill of their flawed and deformed deductions. But they fervently and rabidly attack anything that doesn't adhere to their personal bias of reality.

I wish I could say that places like Conservapedia are few in number or that they were some way at the fringes of society. But the fact of the matter is that as the common understanding of science wanes, places like this flourish. Ignorance is a breeding ground for so much of what erodes our society. But ignorance is a strange thing, as Thomas Paine once wrote, “Ignorance is of a peculiar nature; once dispelled, it is impossible to re-establish it. It is not originally a thing of itself, but is only the absence of knowledge; and though man may be kept ignorant, he cannot be made ignorant”.

When the charlatans bring forth their gimmicks and so called “absolute truths” they perpetuate a willful ignorance. In the vacuum created by this ignorance they are free to demonize and dehumanize anyone they so choose. Anyone that doesn't fit into the scope of their limited world view becomes a target for their unrelenting anger. One can catch a glimpse of the worst of this sort of thinking by simply looking at the Westboro Baptist Church. Here's a good example from Conservapedia, too.

“What's the name for a self-centered, uncharitable person who censors classroom prayer? An atheist. That's why atheists do not build hospitals, and they don't win sports championships like the World Cup either.”

That's a little excerpt from the current main page of Conservapedia. Self-centered and Uncharitable? Really? This is exactly what I mean by dehumanizing and demonizing. Atheists come from all walks of life and have contributed quite a bit to society. Yet, in a few sentences they feel quite comfortable lumping all atheists together and labeling them as worthless. But they don't just have it out for atheists! Let's see a few entries from the Liberal Denial page, shall we?

11. Liberals deny that a woman significantly reduces her risk of breast cancer by having children rather than abortions

12. Liberals deny that about half of promiscuous people carry sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and those STDs cause infertility

13. Liberals deny that the strident promoters of evolution generally have weaker credentials than advocates of intelligent design

. . .

15. Liberals deny that Homosexuality shortens lifespan for a wide variety of reasons

. . .

More generally, liberals also deny:

3. That people like young mass murderers who take atheistic beliefs to their logical conclusions are not "crazy" or "insane", but are true believers.

4. That young mass murderers fit the profile of public school-trained atheism

. . .

8. That state run health care has lead to Islamic terrorism in Britain, and would do so in the US.

While these comments are laughable(they're quite hilarious actually), they go to show the sort of dehumanizing that I mentioned. Once you can reduce someone to a simple label and generalize them, you can start the process of turning them into a monster. By linking atheists to mass murders, they can then start calling them even more horrible things. Then, when someone actually starts persecuting people for not believing in a deity, they don't feel the slightest bit of remorse. After all, they're monsters, and not human, right? The same goes with homosexuals, pro-choice women, or anyone that challenges their narrow-minded beliefs. It's something that we've seen far too much of throughout our history as a species. If we give these people even one iota of credibility, they will do everything they can to demonize their opponents and strip them of their human rights.

I for one will not remain silent to such belligerent brainlessness. My alliterative allusions to their intellectual ineptitude and impotence shall continue!

Hilariously Hypocritical Monument Humbled

The forces of nature are often something you wouldn't want to trifle with, but occasionally they produce some pretty amusing things. I am, of course, referring to Touchdown Jesus. Apparently the Almighty couldn't be bothered to avert a simple lightning strike and save the hideously oversized monstrosity. That or maybe Thor was in a mood for some smiting(he has that hammer after all). Whether it be the ineptitude of the almighty or Thor's righteous hammer(or if you're one of those thinking types, just simple random lightning), the results are the same. Absolutely hysterical!

It never ceases to amaze me just how much the religious are willing to waste on such nonsense. Especially considering what the bible says about idol worship. But this particular monument takes the cake as far as gaudy lawn ornaments go. Lawn gnomes are much classier if you ask me and they certainly cost a fair deal less. I mean really, couldn't you find a better use for $250,000? Maybe, let's say, building a house for the less fortunate, providing medical treatment for the sick, sending aid to a country in the midst of disaster, or giving food to the starving. But no, tacky religiously inspired lawn decorations are more important. Now it's going to cost $700,000 to repair it? Really? I guess you need deep pockets if you really love the lord.

The even more mind boggling aspect of all of this is what Jesus had to say about wealth. Something about a camel having a better chance of going through the eye of a needle than a rich man getting into heaven, I believe(Matthew 19:24). Yet they have no problem spending nearly a million dollars on a piece of tacky lawn art. I'd cite the bible passages on hypocrisy(Matthew 7:3-5), but I'm absolutely certain that the bible is the one thing that isn't read in church(or at least most of it is ignored unless it supports their homophobic, racist world view. Leviticus anyone?).

Now with all of that said, I have to run out and buy several thousand tubes of superglue. Those pop cans aren't going to assemble themselves. I've got a hunch that Elvis is going to make a come back in my front yard and bigger than life(in your face Jesus, there's only one King!).