Ugandan Scatological Stereotypes

When you spend enough time on the internet, as I have, you aren't really surprised by all that much. This is especially true when it comes to racist and homophobic commentary. Sure, we've all heard misinformation, such as how homosexuality is immoral and how all homosexuals are walking disease factories. But, did you know that homosexual men are ice cream machines? Well, they are according to Martin Ssempa(a man, who has thoroughly ruined chocolate ice cream, forever). The video posted above, which was sent to me by a dear friend, is utterly shocking. The thing that is so shocking about it isn't the sexual act itself, but rather Martin's total obsession with it. The man really likes his chocolate ice cream, methinks.

Now, Martin's fecal fascination aside, the man is on an all out crusade to destroy homosexuality in Uganda. He is endorsing legislation that would increase the penalties for homosexuality(it's already a criminal act in most of sub-Saharan Africa) and it would also make homosexuality a crime worthy of death. That's right, death. The proposed bill even contains a contingency for Ugandans that engage in homosexual acts outside of the borders of the country. This provision also includes penalties for individual citizens, companies, or media organizations that support LGBT rights. It's a rather totalitarian piece of legislation to say the least. So, it's not surprising that American Christians had a part to play in it.

As if this weren't bad enough, Martin has a little obsession with burning condoms. On a continent where the battle against AIDS is being waged full scale, the man burns condoms. This prophylactic that has been proven, time and time again, to protect against the spread of sexually transmitted disease. They are indispensable for safe sex in any situation, but especially when it comes to HIV. Yet, he burns them and would rather teach people abstinence and to be faithful. Certainly, there's no doubt that abstaining from sex prevents sexually transmitted diseases, but to deny human nature so completely is totally ludicrous. People are going to have sex, plain and simple, but when you leave out condoms, it's guaranteed not to be safe sex.

After all, we know how well abstinence only sex educations programs work(that is, not at all). When you not only deny condoms, but burn them, in a country in desperate need of effective prophylactics, you're committing murder. It's no different than the Pope's lies about the efficacy of condom usage. When it comes right down to it, at the end of the day, you're responsible for those lives that your actions destroyed.

Homosexuals aren't immoral and most certainly not monsters. They're human beings, with feelings, hopes, dreams, and passions, the same as any of us. There is no homosexual agenda any more than there was a black agenda during the Civil Rights Movement in the United States. They simply want the same respect and rights that any of us want. Color, creed, sexual orientation, or the size of your bank account shouldn't be factors in what rights you have. Most of all, you absolutely shouldn't be punished for something that is a product of your biology and out of your control.

We don't choose our parents, country, sexual orientation, color, or so many of the things that we are. What we do choose though, is how we treat one another in this spectacularly short life of ours. We can choose to rise above petty differences. We can choose to face life with courage and conviction, rather than cowardice and hate. These are the choices that we have and we should be judged, instead, as Martin Luther King Jr. once said, by the content of our character.

Another Failed Forecast of the Faithful

It seems that Jesus is always set to return to Earth, on yet another terrestrial vacation, but his plans never seem to come to fruition. Maybe the big J is just a bit of a procrastinator when it comes to starting off the end times. It could also be that, maybe, he doesn't want to be associated with that atrocious and asinine Left Behind series. It might more likely be, very possibly, that Jesus doesn't exist at all and never did. Whatever the reasons, there's no end to failed foretellings of the faithful. But this doesn't seem to bother believers one bit. The date is always at hand, but constantly out of reach(much like the credibility of Intelligent Design).

The failure of past prophecies doesn't seem to deter those potential prophets from setting their own date for the end of days. One of the latest dates for doomsday is May 21, 2011(not to be confused with the pagan doomsday of December 21, 2012), set by those scripturally sage souls at Wecanknow.com. They claim that Noah knew, so they too can know. This claim is a tad bit strange to me, considering that the evidence for the Biblical story of the flood is completely nonexistent. But, how could these sage scholars of the sacred, possibly be wrong, after all, they have the Bible on their side!

Christianity has been preparing for the end of the world, since the very founding of the religion. History is rife with examples of supposed dates for the end of time. As each date passes, Christendom's enthusiasm for Armageddon continues unabated(the utterly horrifying spectacle that it is). Their scholars resume their all consuming work, trying to predict Jesus' next earthly shindig(I so hope they have pizza rolls, those things are delicious). As the torch passes from one believer to the next, the centuries roll by, like the fleeting thoughts of a once sane mind. Meanwhile, the rest of humanity goes on trying to figure out this whole, building a better future and not killing each other jazz. Mostly.

I sometimes find myself wondering, what I would do if Jesus came back(but mostly I'm just thinking of Samantha Carter in assless chaps, hot cha!). I suppose my first thought would be to think of Samantha Carter, after all, fictional characters are popping into existence; it's worth a shot. Then, after that, I'd probably try to make the J-man disappear in a puff of logic à la The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. This would probably be followed by a hasty emigration to Sweden before Pat Robertson could call for my assassination(he does that, you know). There would be much rejoicing and pizza rolls, delicious, delicious pizza rolls.

When this latest date for doomsday comes and passes, I will probably be doing what I usually do; dreaming of my favorite fictional Gate hopping astrophysicist(ohh Sam, how I love you, let me count the ways...). Well, that, or continuing my efforts to build the world's largest Elvis statue out of pop cans(hey, someone's gotta show Touchdown Jesus who's boss).

Lavish Your Local Leprechauns

I discovered this little gem whilst browsing Geekologie(a wonderful little place for geeky goodness). At first, I thought, this can't possibly be real. It has to be satire, right? Nobody could possibly be this devoid of mental faculties! Ohh, wouldn't that be nice, but sadly no satire here. After a quick look at their website, I found their about page. Here's a bit of what it had to say.

"Christopher Valentine and Christian von Lähr are professionally trained psychic mediums. Bringing their own additional special skills onboard they have been able to establish direct communication with the Nature People."

I sincerely worry for the sanity of people that are this far into La-la land. This guy seems to know more about the personal habits of non-existent beings, than most people know about their own family! I don't know about anyone else, but frankly, that's more than a little disturbing. It's nothing really new I suppose, but disturbing none the less.

As we leave the first decade of the 21st century, there seems to be an unsettling rise in magical mentality. Crystal power, pyramid hats, angels, nature spirits, and psychics all seem to be more popular than ever. Every day there appears to be more new-age nonsense. Be it books like The Secret and The Power, which tell you that you can get whatever you want by simply pretending that you already have it(also, be nice to your water!), or the prattling of lighthearted loonies.

This kind of thing is the converse to religious fundamentalism. Fundamentalism generally adheres to some core concepts with a feverish and dogmatic zeal. Whereas the new age appears, on the surface to be much more benign. It has no qualms over picking and borrowing from other religions or even making up completely new nonsense. The overall effect is diluted delusional absurdity. If the angels don't heal your cancer, you can always try crystal power, or maybe call on another invisible friend, who may, eventually help you. But whatever you do, don't go to a hospital! Because science doesn't believe in our nature spirit friends, crystal power, pyramid healing, psychic energy, lay lines, or anything else that's supernatural! They're too closed minded to believe in all of those unsubstantiated claims. I mean it's not like science ever did anything for anyone...

Although it may seem benign, this new age nonsense is just as dangerous as any of the claims made by established religions. Praying to your deity is no different than calling to your nature spirit friends. The end result is the same, nothing happens. How many people forego routine medical treatment because of this kind of hogwash? Taking a session with the Archangel Gabriel or some Tarot cards in lieu of seeking medical attention or taking action in their lives.

There was a great man who once said something that I will always remember. Carl Sagan once said, "For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring". Whether it is religion or some other supernatural mumbo jumbo, it's still a delusion. In our modern world, we are better served by grasping the universe as it truly is, than holding onto superstition and magical thinking. After all, the fate of our whole species is squarely in our hands.

Conservapedia: A Cache of Comedic Genius

Conservapedia, for those of you who don't know, is a wiki dedicated to eliminating the liberal bias from reality. After finding that Wikipedia had a vendetta against Christianity, Andrew Schlafly and some students founded Conservapedia. Here, they could have a place to spout nonsense at one another, free from those nasty things called facts. Truly, it is a place that is totally free of any inkling of reality. I find that after any extended time reading articles there, I have the overwhelming urge to click my heels together and chant “There's no place like home”. Well, except, you know I wouldn't be going back to Kansas. I shudder at such a thought.

The articles, despite their apparent vapidness and being utterly out of touch with reality, are overwhelmingly hilarious. Sure you can go to places like Wikipedia if you want things like facts, figures, and a rational worldview. But, if you want offensive nonsense, that would only appeal to a partially lobotomized chimp, then Conservapedia is the place for you! After all, where else are you going to find serious commentary on AIDS, that refers to it as a “gay disease” and “gay cancer”? That is just to the tip of the proverbial iceberg as far as inane rantings go. Their pages on Feminism, AIDS(a so called gay disease), Biblical Scientific Foreknowledge, and Liberal Denial are enough to make anyone with an IQ over that of your average ham sandwich, burst into furious fits of laughter.

It's hard for me to imagine anyone taking this kind of tripe seriously. Though, I am at a disadvantage, seeing as I haven't suffered any crippling head injuries or been wont to eat lead paint chips(delicious leaded candy, that neurotoxic family friendly treat). I do fear for anyone that does take absurdity like this as truth. If one were to give a wiki such as this, even one iota of credulity, I do believe they would be raving mad within a week.

Making fun of the intellectually impotent aside, this kind of thing is incredibly serious. Mankind has made some tremendous strides in past centuries. With the rise of reason and science, we have seen untold progress. Anton van Leeuwenhoek's microscope gave our first glimpses of the basic units of life. Galileo's telescope would give us the moons of Jupiter. Newton's theory of gravitation would eventually give us the moon landing, satellites, and exploration of the planets. These discoveries were more than just simple bits of knowledge gathered for scientists to play with. Our entire modern world is built on these things. Without the theory of Gravitation, we wouldn't have satellites in orbit(i.e. No GPS). Without the microscope, we probably wouldn't have germ theory, and we would still be at the mercy of pathogenic microbes(before there was Germ theory, disease was believed to be caused by demonic possessions).

There is very little in our modern world that isn't built off of the advances of some scientific endeavor. The CPU for your average computer wouldn't even exist without the understanding quantum mechanics(the transistors at the heart of modern electronics require quantum theory to function). Global positioning systems wouldn't function without the Theory of Relativity. So much of what we consider the modern world hinges on the work of so many dedicated researchers and scientists. Brave men and women who have pursued the course of truth, even when it flew in the face of their personal convictions. Be it Einstein's belief that the universe was static, which was totally decimated with Hubble's observations that the universe was, in fact, expanding. Or be it Darwin's own grappling with faith as he realized that a creator wasn't needed for life to diversify.

Yet as ignorance of science and technology grows, charlatans would bring forth their own addled brained rantings and label it as “truth”. They peddle this nonsense on any forum that will give them even the slightest bit of attention. They claim that their ravings deserve the same time and recognition, as the work of hundreds and thousands of scientists over the centuries. But they cry foul when asked that they be held to the standards of science and reason. They decry and defame anyone who would speak ill of their flawed and deformed deductions. But they fervently and rabidly attack anything that doesn't adhere to their personal bias of reality.

I wish I could say that places like Conservapedia are few in number or that they were some way at the fringes of society. But the fact of the matter is that as the common understanding of science wanes, places like this flourish. Ignorance is a breeding ground for so much of what erodes our society. But ignorance is a strange thing, as Thomas Paine once wrote, “Ignorance is of a peculiar nature; once dispelled, it is impossible to re-establish it. It is not originally a thing of itself, but is only the absence of knowledge; and though man may be kept ignorant, he cannot be made ignorant”.

When the charlatans bring forth their gimmicks and so called “absolute truths” they perpetuate a willful ignorance. In the vacuum created by this ignorance they are free to demonize and dehumanize anyone they so choose. Anyone that doesn't fit into the scope of their limited world view becomes a target for their unrelenting anger. One can catch a glimpse of the worst of this sort of thinking by simply looking at the Westboro Baptist Church. Here's a good example from Conservapedia, too.

“What's the name for a self-centered, uncharitable person who censors classroom prayer? An atheist. That's why atheists do not build hospitals, and they don't win sports championships like the World Cup either.”

That's a little excerpt from the current main page of Conservapedia. Self-centered and Uncharitable? Really? This is exactly what I mean by dehumanizing and demonizing. Atheists come from all walks of life and have contributed quite a bit to society. Yet, in a few sentences they feel quite comfortable lumping all atheists together and labeling them as worthless. But they don't just have it out for atheists! Let's see a few entries from the Liberal Denial page, shall we?

11. Liberals deny that a woman significantly reduces her risk of breast cancer by having children rather than abortions

12. Liberals deny that about half of promiscuous people carry sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and those STDs cause infertility

13. Liberals deny that the strident promoters of evolution generally have weaker credentials than advocates of intelligent design

. . .

15. Liberals deny that Homosexuality shortens lifespan for a wide variety of reasons

. . .

More generally, liberals also deny:

3. That people like young mass murderers who take atheistic beliefs to their logical conclusions are not "crazy" or "insane", but are true believers.

4. That young mass murderers fit the profile of public school-trained atheism

. . .

8. That state run health care has lead to Islamic terrorism in Britain, and would do so in the US.

While these comments are laughable(they're quite hilarious actually), they go to show the sort of dehumanizing that I mentioned. Once you can reduce someone to a simple label and generalize them, you can start the process of turning them into a monster. By linking atheists to mass murders, they can then start calling them even more horrible things. Then, when someone actually starts persecuting people for not believing in a deity, they don't feel the slightest bit of remorse. After all, they're monsters, and not human, right? The same goes with homosexuals, pro-choice women, or anyone that challenges their narrow-minded beliefs. It's something that we've seen far too much of throughout our history as a species. If we give these people even one iota of credibility, they will do everything they can to demonize their opponents and strip them of their human rights.

I for one will not remain silent to such belligerent brainlessness. My alliterative allusions to their intellectual ineptitude and impotence shall continue!